Joke(s) of the Week/Day/Month
(or whenever you send us new ones)
Four guys, without their wives’ permission, skip their chores and jobs for the day to head out the river for a day of fishing.
All day ...the fishing is just incredible, one after another they get hookups with big springers, cohos, chum. Late in the day, one of the guys hooks into a HUGE fish 45+lbs. He plays it very carefully and just as he gets it to shore, he sees how big the fish really is!!! In all the excitement he grabs his chest, slumps to the ground and in spite of efforts from his friends, he dies right there in front of them with the fish still flopping on the beach.
Well, the guys are so shocked and knowing they have skipped work that day and that his wife is not easy to get along with, will be so upset, none of them want to drive over to the house and give her the bad news. So they draw straws and Jim gets the short one.
Over he goes to the guy’s house still his fishing gear and when his wife comes to the door. He tells her "Sara, today the fishing was so good on the river, your husband Larry and the rest of us want to stay over in a motel overnight and hit the river at first light before we go to work".
She pauses for a minute and replies "You tell Larry to drop dead!!!" Jim promptly turns on his heels and says "OK, Sara, I'll go back to the river and tell him"
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"
From Father Bertha:
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.
Here's another one...
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine."I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum."The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.Then he picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.Then he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold."Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"
Bud sends us these two:
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? '
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Here's another one...
In Lutsen, Minnesota last winter, some blondes became tired of being made fun of and challenged a group of brunettes to a week long ice fishing competition. Whoever caught the most fish of any type by the end of the week would win. They began their contest on a nearby lake. After 8 hours of fishing on the first day, the brunettes had caught 100 fish and the blondes had caught none. At the end of the 2nd day, the brunettes had caught 200 fish and the blondes still hadn't caught a single fish. That evening, the blondes got together and one of them said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place."
The next morning, the blonde dyes their hair brunette went over to the brunette camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the spy returned to report what they had seen.
"Well, how about it? Are they cheating?"
"They sure are!" they reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice!"
Perp sends us a couple more:
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns?"
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
Two elderly friends were fishing in a little rowboat when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same room on a cruise ship. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he on one side of the large, king-sized bed and she on the other.
At 1:00 AM , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to share a little of the blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That 's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. IS THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE?
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Perp brings us this bit of levity:
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma ' am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he? He only had two worms!"
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit northern Minnesota for some sight-seeing and ultra-clean air. He was cruising along in one of the bays in a small fishing boat when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the weeds.A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 60-pound musky’s jaws.
As the Pope watched horrified, another boat with three Republican anglers came racing up. One quickly gaffed the trophy musky while the two others extracted the bleeding and nearly-drowned semiconscious Democrat from its ferocious teeth. Then they tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the stern of the boat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republicans and Democrats out in the rural areas but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the anglers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the angler said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about musky fishing! By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?"
Two Norwegian fishermen from Minnesota hired a pilot to fly them to a remote area in Alaska to fish for the famously huge, Arctic salmon. They were successful and caught seven of the behemoths. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three of the fish. The two fishermen objected strongly stating; "Last year ve caught seven and the pilot let us put dem all on board and he had the same plane as yours!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all seven were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Ole asked Sven, "Any idea vere ve are?"
Sven replied, "Ya, I tink ve're pretty close to vare ve crashed last year."
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.
In the meantime the woman passes gas. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way he could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50."
(Return to the Home page)